Rebuilding oneself.

Looking back at how I started made me realize that no love is worth losing yourself for. As a woman who has built a life on being an outspoken fearless thinker, I was quickly becoming a far cry from the person I once was. It was a strange time, and although I don’t remember much of the details 'cause I don't want to remember, I do remember it being extraordinarily painful.

I had let myself and my old hobbies go, and I’d slowly begun rejecting a lot of what was still left of the old me.

He tells me incessantly that I was impossible to deal with, that I was impossible to love. He made his points clear. But I was lost in the world we’d built and didn’t know of a way out.

Eventually, after too long of sitting in that toxic mess we’d built, I ended it.

So if there’s one thing that I learned the hard way in all of this, it’s this:

There are two experiences that we can define as love: we can fall in love with a person, or we can fall in love with companionship.

When you fall in love with a person, you get to experience their companionship as a byproduct. When you fall in love with companionship, it becomes an arrangement of need, where you become hinged on losing one another. It’s built on fear, necessity, and power. And that isn’t falling in love.

I can promise you this:

When you fall in love with a person, and they fall in love with you, you won’t lose yourself in love, because you will be an important part of that love and what makes it tick.

It's hard to lose someone you love but it's even worse to lose yourself while loving them. Sometimes, you can love so fiercely that you lose yourself. Sometimes, you can try so hard to please someone that you don't realize you're no longer happy with yourself.

For all the people who goes through the same as I do... let me tell you this,

Don’t give up on the things that make you who you are for the benefit of someone else.

You used to write? Write. Don’t stop being you, and if you’re one of the lucky ones, your future partner will support you in every way.

Do yourself a favor: Wake up, look in the mirror and ask yourself if you are happy. Ask yourself what you want accomplish and then go do it. Go make yourself happy. Do it without depending on anyone else.

The right partner will fill you with joy and complete the open space in your heart, but only once you’ve successfully found yourself. No one can truly love you until you love yourself. Find your own success and your own happiness.

The right person will never make you feel small or not good enough. The right person will make you feel appreciated and so loved that you cannot contain your smiles.

So, go find yourself. You won’t find yourself in someone else. There is someone out there who will fiercely love what you find and love you until the end of your days without ever making you change.

2018 is a promise of rebuilding myself and never going through any of these again. This would be the year that I recover from this mess, let my purpose take over. The glow that I have shouldn't ever be taken away from me, I don't deserve that and I don't need people who no longer serve me.